Commercials

Monica: I have big news
Chandler: What, that 5th dentist finally came around?


I worked for 4 different insurance companies from 1986 to 1995. At the third one, I was still a smoker and we had a real ventilated smoking room. First, sometimes my co-workers would mention a person’s name and I would not know who they were talking about. Then, they’d come back with “You don’t know her because she doesn’t smoke”.

Anyway, there were few topics where every person could contribute to the conversation. A certain movie? Some people had seen it. A book? Some people had read it. One topic that was universal was TV commercials. “My husband – some hotshot…”.

So I was drin… thinking about something: What if aliens could see our commercials from North American TV? What would they figure they knew about us? It would be like those archaeological digs where all we decide what we know about a group of people is based on their death and burial rituals.

I think they’d come up with something like this:

1. Women are way smarter than men – men can’t cook, they know nothing about their children, the wife has to tell the idiot how to microwave a burrito over the phone. I think the wives have to dress them and wipe their asses. I can’t imagine most of them are smart enough to get drivers licences.


2. Children are way smarter than adults.


3. Animals are way smarter than people and they can “talk”.


4. Everyone is married and there are no divorces.


5. All couples are heterosexual.


6. Until recently, all people were white.


7. Until even more recently, all couples were of the same race.


8. Life on earth involves a lot of jingoistic background music.


9. People with perfect skin use acne cleanser.


10. Everyone is thin except for those in weight loss commercials.


11. Very few men loose their hair


12. 21 year old gorgeous women (and men) won’t get dates if they use the incorrect shampoo, toothpaste or face soap.


13. Everyone has a good job, except the people in ads for vocational schools.


14. People have beer – they never drink it, they just have it around.


15. You can make fun of people – as long as they are white.

RE: 15. The Scottish: IT’S NO…OATMEAL. Italians: There was a commercial for a pasta sauce that was so authentically Italian that after the people at it, they all started singing opera. Can you imagine a bunch of black people where the fried chicken was so good that they all went out and started playing basketball?
TF